The whole world seemed to know and understand the importance of keeping a steady pulse except for me. To this day, my pulse has only improved marginally. The deeply ingrained practice of simply playing by the seat of my pants when it comes to counting is here to stay. I did get a surprising comment however, from a video I sent to another cellist for review. He specifically mentioned that my pulse was “solid”. I smiled broadly about that. All the years of getting angry at others for failing to hold the beat steady–in reality it was really me. Perhaps I can, at 39, begin to really play with others instead of marching to the beat of my own, ebbing and flowing pulse. haha
While I have finally realized I have my own imperfect counting habits I do have a sense of music. For that people have always encouraged me and thought highly of the art for which I strive. Regardless the situation most will comment–teachers in this case–that they like my ideas and that my sense of musicality is correct. What is almost always lacking is the regularity of the beat, the subdivisions, and the fundamental pulse of the music.
Here I come to terms with my shortcomings, with which I have so long strived and shirked, and even ignored. Today, I acknowledge the one basic failure that probably kept me out of many-a better ensemble, gig, and from garnering more accolades for a performance, and yea, from locking in more performances period.